I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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