Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
