i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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