i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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