You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How's work?
Spinning.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
