if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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