apparently the secret to your success is patron
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize