Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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