That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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