May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
