I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
