and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
