a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
