So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
