I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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