I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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