Plan B is the new Plan A
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
