Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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