I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
