$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
