no, he came in my armpit
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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