I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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