$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
