becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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