i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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