Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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