her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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