Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
