got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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