the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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