Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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