i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think i have two assholes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
