Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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