Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
