Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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