____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
