Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
too bad you live with your parents still
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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