i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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