break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
