I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
