My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
