I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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