blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
