Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
