Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize