mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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