I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.