I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
from now on my penis is your penis
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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