When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
