I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
