Having a random hookup so left but love u
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
where am i from again
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
