I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
