Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
