ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
